How to Prevent Arguments: Recognizing Patterns
Have you ever noticed that there seems to be reoccurring patterns or signs leading up to arguments or fights?
Generally, people who care about each other don’t spontaneously burst into argument. (Note: If they do there may be some chemical imbalance or issue beyond the person’s control and professional help is recommend).
Recognizing and becoming aware of these reoccurring patterns will empower you to break the pattern of relationship sabotage and communicate with your loved ones in a more functional effective way.
Awareness
There are three things you want to start to become aware of:
Emotional
Self-Awareness
Environmental Awareness
Remember: All communication start’s with YOU. If you to pay attention to yourself, your emotions, how you react in various environments (home, restaurant, traffic, hungry, etc), and so forth, you’ll begin to recognize the warning signs (when you are irritable, uncomfortable, self-conscious and such)
When communicating there can be certain words, tones, that are repeated patterns and may lead to damaging arguments.
Yes, But … – When someone dismisses your solutions because they want to be heard, or brushes aside your opinions which don’t match theirs. Often we feel compelled to give our point of view or pearls of wisdom, whether the other person wants to hear it or not. For example, a parent who feels compelled to offer her worldly advice to her teenager, even though she knows it will fall on deaf ears. In doing so, we forget to listen or to consider what they actually need.
Mixed Messages – For example trains that pass in opposite directions, some conversations can feel as though you’re on a different track going in the opposite direction to the other person. It might be that:
The context isn’t clear
You’re not addressing the sub-text of the conversation
You’re swapping preconceived ideas or opinions rather than listening
You’re replying to what you thought they said rather than what they actually said.
How can you tell when you’re sending Mixed Messages? One example is that you feel confused or surprised about how a conversation seems to be unfolding or the discussion feels it is out of sync.
According to a 1983 study by Dr John Gottman and Dr Bob Levenson (world-leading experts on relationship analysis), they discovered that in 96% of cases, the way people handled the first three minutes of a potentially explosive conversation, determined how the direction of the discussion would go.
So once you become more aware, what can you do? Here are a few tips:
Pay Attention
Pay attention to the pace and rhythm of the conversation.
Press STOP
If an interaction is moving into argument Escalation, press STOP! If you know your next words are going to set off a chain reaction (you know, because you’ve probably had this argument or a similar one before now you are AWARE), don’t say them, just excuse yourself and break your pattern.
Do I Need to be Right?
Ask yourself, “Do I need to be right?” This immediately changes the direction of your thinking, and the tone of the conversation.
Try a Different Approach
If you hear someone saying ‘Yes, But…’ two or three times, try a different approach because your advice isn’t making a difference. Listen to what they’re saying, repeat back what they’ve said so they know you’ve heard them.
Check for Clarity
If you think you have a habit of sending mixed messages, wind the conversation back to check that you’re both clear about what’s being discussed and that you understand each other.
Please remember that communication and disagreements make for healthy relationships, but when they get out of control they can become destructive. Every time you recognize the pattern or alarm that may cause you to move from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 4, you have a choice. You can argue your point up to World War III or take action and change your course!
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2 Tips to Diffuse an Explosive Argument with a Person you Love
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2 Tips to Diffuse an Explosive Argument with a Person you Love
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