For most of my life I considered Valentine’s Day a non-event. For some reason, even though I had boyfriends during this day of chocolate hearts, flowers and love, I never had high hopes or expectations for this particular day.

When I was 29, I started dating this really great guy (who is now my husband). After nine months of dating he asked me, “What exactly is Valentine’s Day?” Conveniently, where he is from there is not as much commercialization of holidays so there is no knowledge, according to his account, of cupid or his love-connecting arrows. Of course as mentioned above, my expectations have always differed from the norm in this area. So I provided him my definition of the holiday.

Valentine’s day is… when couples get really stressed out over not meeting one another’s expectations of expressing how much they love and appreciate each other.

My issue with this holiday is that I feel people should habitually express how much they love and appreciate each other – not just on one day. In short, I must note that I love “Love”, romance, flowers, weddings and such. I am a hopeless romantic. Further, since the age of 29, I have never been disappointed on Valentine’s Day.

Now I am not an expert in what gift idea is the best for your partner, but where I can help you is to tell you the key to discovering the best gift:
1. Communicate: Talk , email, text and connect with your significant other.

Be Direct – Just be honest and say exactly what you want. I have spent years implying and/or hinting at things I desire, are important to me or even things that bother me. This only results in creating distance between you and the person you love.

Expectations and assumptions are the termites of relationships.

Often, we assume that if someone cares about us or loves us, they know who we are and they know what we want. The truth is they don’t and that’s okay.

News Alert:
Men and women aren’t mind readers!

Schedule time each week to connect and discuss things that are important to each of you. Maybe on a date (brunch, lunch, dinner, etc.) or go for a walk. Going for hikes and long walks allows my husband and I to maintain our connection. It offers us a stress free environment to share our ever changing hopes, dreams and desires.

2. Listen: Communication is a two way street and your efforts will fall flat if you and/or your partner’s words are not comprehended.

That’s right, comprehended; notice how I didn’t say “heard.” Usually when we are speaking to our partner, it’s while our attention may be split. Such as, watching television, texting, getting ready for work, playing with the kids, the list is endless.

One personal example, when my husband is driving, I have learned that he may only here 0 – 40% of what I am saying. To be honest, it took me time and to figure this out. Like most women, if say something that requires a response, I expect one. I recall early on in our relationship that I became upset that he wasn’t “listening” to me… sound familiar?

Men and Women Differ in Communication and Comprehension

Truthfully, this extreme focus is not his fault. A number of biomedical studies show that men are often excel and focus on one task at a time, while women are natural multi-taskers. The poor guy was simply focused on trying to drive us from point “A” to point to point “B” safely. Once we discussed this and he explained it, we were able to move forward from something that was a non-issue.

Please Note: This is not a blanket statement and men can “multi-task” and women can be focused. This is a simple biological explanation that helps us better understand the majority. Once we understand, it becomes easier for us to accept things and move forward to solving communication problems. (For more about differences between men and women see the links to articles below).

Additional Lessons Learned

I learned to ways to discuss important things with my husband:

A. Not driving, TV off, Phones down, No music on and just us sitting on the couch or on a hike walk.

B. Manage my emotions, keep vocal volume down.

C. A letter or email has always worked for some of the tougher things that are more difficult to express without getting emotional.

We also learned how to communicate with each other for future misunderstandings or difference of opinions.

Men and women communicate differently and it takes time to understand and learn the best ways to communicate with your partner. Keep trying until you find a way that works.

3. Repeat: Practice, Practice, Practice.

Doing this may take some practice and that is okay. It’s never too late to improve your communication habits, especially in the way you communicate with your significant other and all those you care fo. It gets easier each time.