How to say NO and stop being a People Pleaser

Saying NO helps build solid relationships with the important people in your life: Family, friends and yourself. ~ Ellie Parvin

Are you a “Yes-oholic?” Do you have a problem saying no to others? Did you know that being a “Yes-oholic” can create overwhelm and stress in your life and affect your health?

As a former yes-oholic (yes I do fall of the wagon sometimes), learning to “NO” saved my sanity and my reputation. One of the downsides to saying yes to everything and trying to please others is that I personally developed a reputation as flake; someone who was always late. Why? Because, I use to say “Yes” to everything. Honestly at the time I thought saying yes, meant I was being a good friend; no I was actually being a shoddy friend.

A couple years in as a recovering Yes-oholic, one of my friends said to me, “Hey you aren’t the late person or flake anymore; you are always the first person to show up and totally reliable!” Learning to say no actually makes you a better friend!   Furthermore, it gave me more time for my friends and family I love, time to build relationships and do things for myself that made me a better person.

Learn how to be proud to say no! It’s for your own good, I promise. People that have a problem denying others of things generally do this at a high cost to themselves, their own time, wallet and mind.

Often times these “yes” sayers can go to great lengths outside of their comfort zones due to an odd fear of saying no. With thought processes along the lines of:

“What will they think of me if I say no?”

“Maybe this person will no longer befriend me if I deny them what they want?”

“Will they think I’m lame if I don’t agree to drive them to so-and-so’s place?”

If you’re one of the aforementioned individuals who cannot say no to save their lives then fret not, we are here to help you overcome your fear of the ever powerful word “NO”. Let’s go ahead and go over the steps that it takes to accomplish your independence from being “Yes-oholic”.

Set a no excuse policy and stick with it

This step will play a major role in shaping your newfound ability to say no. Most individuals dealing with the above mentioned problem will do anything to avoid cutting to the chase because they think they will sound mean, instead they’ll come up with indirect ways to say no without actually uttering the word. Think of all the times you may have come up with some insane excuse as to why you can’t do something.

Saying things like “I would, but…” “I have to go pick up my grandmother from band camp” “my dog ran over a car and I need to go provide my insurance information!”. Many times your excuse will leave things open to bargaining and discussion; saying you’re working until 3PM will prompt the individual to respond with a question asking if you can take them to the DMV at 4PM instead. Either you can come up with another excuse or give in from guilt the 2nd time around.

Refuse guilt and sleep on it

With friends and family being an important part of society it is very tempting to feel guilty when at times refusing to help or make commitments to the people within our social circle. Bearing in mind that you only have yourself to count on helps give way to a mentality of confidence and self-improvement that puts yourself at the forefront. We aren’t saying to be selfish or greedy here, but to understand that having guilt over every refusal will cause you unnecessary strife. Put yourself first and only do something out of a pure desire to help someone, not out of guilt.

Sleeping on things will help you make better decisions. If a friend asks you to go with them to see a basketball game and you know that you have something important to do that night, tell them you’re going to sleep on it and get back to them. This way you can actually have the time to think on whether you are willing to and can afford to take the offer without the influence of impulse and the heat of the moment, resulting in a much more fruitful decision making process.

The best way to say no is to just say NO

There’s no rebuttal for being direct. You can say no using some of the following statements. “I can’t this time” “sorry, not today” “that won’t work for me right now, but I’ll let you know if anything changes” “I’ve got too much on my plate right now, I can’t go out today” using such statements will show that you have respect for your own time and needs, offering a response that entails being firm but not rude. The point is to be brief, honest, respectful and firm. Be ready to repeat refusal until they get it! There’s nothing wrong with saying no even if it’s to a good cause. It is a powerful word that should remain a staple in your daily vocabulary.

Weigh out the risk to reward ratio

Now that you’ve learned how to say no, let’s talk about when to say no. We aren’t saying you should refuse every invite to go out and every request for your assistance. The level of inconvenience and the reward for taking part in the activity should be weighed out. For example, if you know you’re passionate about helping inner city children learn how to read, then you might just accept that invite from your friend to go tutoring for the day, while doing so would take away from something else you may have planned to do, the opportunity fits within what you find valuable in life so it should be taken.

In a different scenario, your friend may have invited you to go bowling, but you honestly don’t really care for the activity, and if you went then you’d basically be boring yourself to death for the sake of not letting your friend down. You can either suggest a different activity or simply say no. Ultimately life is too short to give into inconvenient situations for the sake of others.

Do not fear conflict or the loss of friendship

The human psyche functions in weird ways, sometimes when rejecting an offer a person is making to you, rather than understanding that the proposition itself is being rejected the person feels you are rejecting them as a whole. This can cause issues where individuals can become offensive towards you for your resolve, simply explain your reasoning and make it clear that they should respect it. If not then they weren’t really good friends to begin with. Do not fear the burning of the bridge as you can always build new ones with new like-minded individuals who will respect your time and convictions.

While it may be hard at first to stand firm while following these simple tips, it will get easier over time. Stay strong and harness the power of NO!